CHARLIE & THE FAGGOT FACTORY

Topic #1 - 3rd Nerd:  Third roommate is starting to relocate his loots to the house, so we're slowly filling it up and it's becoming more of a bachelor pad now.  We've got the entertainment center set up so we're ready for MST3K-esque showings of softcore porn on Cinemax.  Pretzels, booze and breasts, ahoy! We've known each other since we were university frosh, but this is the first time we've shared a residence (not counting the dorm).  The only real difference between us is that he's a crazy half-chinese chinaman and I'm a surly homosexual.

Topic #2 - Nu Grrl:  My third roommate's new girlfriend bears a freakishly uncanny resemblance to his soon-to-be-late roommate.  His own personal Sally, if you will.  Both girls are about the same height, fiery red hair, freckles, and breasts entirely too massive for their respective torsoes.  I touched very briefly on these parallels, but he either didn't hear me (or pretended he didn't) and didn't much want to talk about it.  I'm going to force him to confront this someday, for my own personal entertainment, of course.  As for the girlfriend herself, I have no qualms with her at all.  I just find it bizarre how similar my roommate's girliefriend and his current roommate are physically.

Topic #3 - Rated 'F' for Faggots:  Holy fuck, what is it about the movies that brings out the faggots by the legions? [I don't count.]  I got persuaded into hitting the cinemas Friday night with third roommate, his grrl, and a second, fashionably-bisexual female.  Normally, I loathe going to the movies, but particularly an the opening night of a film.  No film has ever warranted standing in line for an hour just to get decent seats (which we did).  But good lord, this room has loaded down with faggots. Everywhere the eye looked as it tried to avoid the boring, pre-movie trivia bullshit on the screen, faggots.  Worst of all, these were the preppy, yuppie faggots.  Well dressed, well groomed, and most very [physically] attractive.  The problem is that this genre of faggots are all chixxx with dixxx.  Never have I had to endure such high-toned voices and wrist-flicks in such a tight place.  You get all horned up checking out this guy and then he opens his mouth and his voice is soft, silky, siren song belies his otherwise male body, inducing a severe case of reverse boner.  Gaaaaaaah!  This isn't the main reason I hate going to the movies, but it's well on its way to making it into the Top 10.

Topic #4 - Charlie:  The movie in question was "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."  On a scale of AIDS to lethal nuclear radiation exposure, this film gets a solid strep throat (C+).  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't worth the ninety minutes or so I stood standing in a line or sitting in a cinema seat designed for people whose waistline maxes out at 30".  It was... just entertaining.  I was hoping for a dark retelling of the book, but I got a G-rated, "dark" retelling of the book (mostly).  It's really not dark at all, no more "dark" than I consider Edward Scissorhands to be dark.  Fortunately for me, I'm not some movie-going douchebag who criticizes a movie based solely on its director.  I never heard so many teenagers trying to feign film expertise by jabbering on about who does and does not think Tim Burton is a genius (Me, I don't care).  On a similar note, while I like Jonny Depp for some of his movies, I don't see him as some counter-culture guerilla who leads a cinematic assault against Hollywood convention, status quo, etc.  Gawd, hearing teenyboppers talk about this like they have any modicum of a clue just to try and impress each other... Ugh, it's more annoying than femtastic faggots, but not by a considerable margin.  If you're going to see this, catch a matinee on a weekday so you can avoid the teenagers (and maybe the faggots).  It's not worth $7.50+ or an hour wait, but it might be worth your time if you have two hours and $5 to burn on a Thursday afternoon.  Oh, and the kid they got to play Charlie is a pedophile's wet dream.  At least the kid who played Charlie in the 1971 version had the deceny to be homely.